if the head is not right, the body will pay..

and all again "it's been sooo long since I don't write!!" I can't even believe, it's like I forgot I had this blog! so many things happened since going to my hometown to visit my parents and friends that I missed sooo much, back to school, 30 Seconds to Mars and Bruno Mars concerts that were just "AWESOME" and it's finally christmas!! it's not that I love it because my parents aren't here but the christmas spirit kind of cheers me up and makes me forget about that part, maybe because the happiness all around seems so contagious..

Besides all of that I 've been feeling weird lately like I'm sad all the time, I don't feel like doing anything, talking or even listening to anyone.. I'm even having repetitive nightmares that I'm not actually sure they're nightmares because I open my eyes "wake up" in the middle of the night but suddenly I can't move, breath or scream, I feel a heaviness in my chest like I'm choking and just for a second it just stops but if I try to sleep again  it just repeats sometimes 3 or 4 times in the same night so I end up scared of falling asleep and stay awake for the rest of the night, which is exhausting and scary, I don't know how to handle it..        I don't even know if worst than that was the nightmare I had a few days ago that I was waiting for a lift to go home when two guys showed up and just took me, they were about to rape me when I woke up screaming..

I really am feeling totally lost, like I don't know what to do, knowing that I need to talk to someone but don't feeling like actually doing it.. now that everything seemed to be right, I don't know what's wrong with me.. I just hope it's not as bad as I think it is and I wish to get better soon because I'm afraid I may hurt myself really badly.. just like they say if the head is not right, the body will pay..